Do you notice the moments you can escape?
January 11, 2022
Throughout my life, I have used so many things to escape what I am feeling. Some of these things were outright addictions, others pacifiers. Many of those things had a tinge of shame to them and were associate with me escaping in general. They would be hovering in the back of my mind and I was always waiting for the opportunity to indulge in them.
I remember when I still smoked cigars I would look for that point in the day when I wouldn't have to interact with anyone else (so that I could smell like a cigar without having to face someone). At that moment I would feel free to smoke because I wouldn't have to expose a part of myself I was at odds with.
Smoking was a vice for me, it helped me escape, and I knew that, which was why I did it. I didn't want to face the fact that I was escaping myself. Once I started smoking the cigar (or using the vice, whatever the vice was/is) I would be transported to a place where I didn't have to look at the fact I was escaping. For me, this was a vicious cycle of shame and escape, and yet I was still always on the lookout for those opportunities to smoke.
I am not one to compartmentalize my life, I like living as I am and not juggling different personalities for different situations (I have plenty of different personalities that weave into my life as it is). However, when I have a vice or a pacifier, I tend to compartmentalize that aspect of myself and even though it might not be comfortable to look at, it is much better to preemptively examine those actions rather than wait for someone to ask us about it, and then have to justify and get defensive. When people would bring it up, because it was obvious, I would have to really dig deep to control myself and not get upset. I was obviously triggered, and it was all about me.
It is not always easy to look at ourselves with curiosity, if you are interested in preemptively going after your desire to escape, I have open spots for my Recover Yourself Workshop (TODAY and the next 4 Tuesdays). There, you will learn how to approach your triggers with curiosity and open yourself up to your true potential as you drop all the shame and judgment.